Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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me: *types* the bathroom one
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
The future is now.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I鈥檓 gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we鈥檝e got a real Mexican stand-off
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I know
It鈥檚 only a tidal wave when it鈥檚 headed toward you, if it鈥檚 headed away that鈥檚 a toodle wave.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 馃嚘馃嚭
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
men what鈥檚 stopping you from looking like this
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don鈥檛 need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Ma鈥檃m do you know anything about your husband鈥檚 death?
Yeah, suicide. It鈥檚 awful isn鈥檛 it?
You鈥檙e saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.