people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔