My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
You Might Also Like
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?