The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
You Might Also Like
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
sleeping beauty
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“