Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
What the dentist sees
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.