If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
When the stylist spins you back around
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots