*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: