WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
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Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
😍😂🥰😂😍
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.