My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.