I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
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I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
handsome & gretel
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?