*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
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One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name