friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You Might Also Like
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light