Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.