Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
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My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
welp
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined