You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
sin harder.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.