Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
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Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
BETRAYAL
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.