you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
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My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
this article brought to you by lions
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss