Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
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Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Great game to play with friends
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me recordaron éste meme
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Selfie
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me