Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*