Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”