urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices