[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
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I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”