the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
You Might Also Like
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
he’s doing your taxes