Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
the answer was staring at me all along
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
peeping toms
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.