[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
pep talk
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?