Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
You Might Also Like
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Received some very disappointing news today
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess