Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.