Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred