[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.