*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
LOL
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
a fate I wish upon no one
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My daily affirmation
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.