Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Is….Is this an option?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.