Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.