Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
We’ve all been there…
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm