[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?