I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
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Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Discuss
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.