If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
idk what this dog had been going through but same
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….