Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
no regrets
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY