my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
You Might Also Like
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.