11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
You Might Also Like
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
23. the denim jacket
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.