No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Cashiers are always checking me out
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
okay run it by me one more time
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered