Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
You Might Also Like
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
are there any atheist mantises?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The days of good grammer has went
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.