Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?