I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I’d hang this in my house.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
OH. COME. ON.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same