[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK