“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.