My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
That’s amazing.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]