They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄