I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
…żyje?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.