In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
dam girl
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My new favorite headline
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.