You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)